Seeking A Real Version Of Me Lost To Society
A Personal Story
Time and Reflection. Two things that gave me the clarity to write this story. I’m not exactly sure at what exact point in time this shift in my awareness began. What I do know is it came from smoking cannabis once every night 2–3 hours before bed for a month.
I had a lot of clutter in my mind, beliefs, political views, perceptions of right or wrong, religious obligations, and responsibilities among other trivial things. These were not entirely of my choosing but programmed or heavily suggested into me as I grew up.
This shift in my perception of my world was the start of the “liberation of my true self.” I slowly began to reorganize and question all the clutter in my mind. All that clutter was the source of my unhappiness. It led me to smoke cannabis after years of having no interest in it.
California had recently legalized cannabis for recreational use. So I said “Fuck it, let’s smoke.” I chose to use it as a way to numb my pain, as an escape from my internal turmoil. Yeah, it is a weak approach, thinking back on it. But it’s the truth; I was at a weak and low point. I have no shame in it. I’m no longer that same person.
Side Note: Unless you accept your flaws as true, you can never improve them or change them. The reason being, your mind doesn’t register it as a problem.
Low points can be beautiful though; you find shit about yourself you wouldn’t otherwise. The cannabis did the exact opposite of numb my pain. After a few smoke sessions, I realized the cannabis was amplifying the shit out of it. It put it into focus, right in the damn center of my attention. I could no longer ignore it. The unhappiness was present, heavily present. I was looking at this big black abyss not really knowing what to do with the feeling.
That led me to search for reasons for my unhappiness. The shit was it hurt. I saw the things I had been trying to ignore. I saw the shit in me personality. But it also felt great after realizing all this was under my control! So I leaned into it, exploring deeper into my mind for what else I could find about myself. It became therapeutic, no longer an escape. The cannabis made me sit with it [the pain] and stare at it in the face, eye to eye with my weak, miserable self. Made me accept it as true. Accept I was unhappy and needed a change, a drastic one. I started to meet the real me when I began to question every part of myself, every decision I was making and had made.
I was stuck in a linear way of thinking that was taking me down an unintended path. It was causing havoc on my energy, stirring up anxiety, and causing a lack of motivation for anything.
I realized I had to change course, so I began to find new perspectives that shook my deep-rooted beliefs. I started reading again, listening to audiobooks, podcasts, watching TED talks, hearing ideas from psychedelic explorers and began looking at philosopher’s ideas for insights on the meaning of life. I began to let myself wander to where ever my curiosity would take me.
It was hard, painful, and challenging at first. It made me look at things I hated about myself and made me change them. It made me feel lost for a while because the core beliefs I had were breaking down. Religion is the main thing people use to guide their way through life. I chose to eradicate it from my core beliefs. Not the belief in a higher power necessarily but in the institution of religion. That a set of rules to live by will keep you out of hell. If I was looking for alternate information, it couldn’t remain a core belief.
Side Note: I had contemplated cutting the roots of religion before this. I had been wrestling with the idea of it, so during this drastic time, it became an easy decision.
To change, I had to dissolve certain things to allow new ones to come in. That’s why drastic changes tend to be the most effective in the long term.
The pain is only the beginning of the journey. It’s emotional angst, anxiety stemming from confusion, lack of direction, and not knowing what the future will bring. Afterward, the beauty comes in. The grass gets greener, and the colors get brighter. You feel free to explore so many ideas and endless possibilities for yourself. I began to see the world as my playground. I began to form my own thoughts and opinions, meaning I know exactly why I feel the way I do.
You don’t realize how brainwashed you are from birth until you question everything you believe. But you aren’t brainwashed out of malice. It’s a result of the systemic culture we live and grow up in. If you’re taught to question everything and explore your curiosity from a young age, you can significantly mitigate society’s programming.
I thoroughly enjoy questioning things now because it leads to more perspectives that can help me build on my philosophy of life. Know what the beauty of it is? There’s no right or wrong answer — [Unless you’re hurting and killing others, then yeah, it’s wrong by my standards]. Only what your conscience determines as right or wrong based on what you adopt as true for you. It’s about creating the individual from the inside out.
What I mean is you create yourself based on what you choose to do in this world and how you want to experience it. Then, you project that outward into the world. However the world receives it is based on what each individual considers right or wrong. Don’t let those people project their standards and expectations onto you.
I choose to view cannabis, psychedelic mushrooms, rather all psychedelics as tools. They are ways to open doors in your mind that ignite wonder in your mind. They break down constructs and suspend disbelief. They open the doors to explore all things and see the stuff without judging eyes. I use them sparingly to help me think even more profoundly. Meditation is also an essential tool for such exploration.
Note; I’m not saying cannabis or mushrooms are the only solution to help you solve your inner demons. This is just how my story happened. I look at them as plants provided to us by earth for healing. Cannabis came into my life at the perfect moment aligning with other factors that caused that spark for me to heal myself. No therapist, just me working through my shit by writing down my thoughts and long conversations with a trusted friend. It may or may not be the same for you. Don’t take any ones word on it, try it. Then you’ll know first hand and base your decisions on that. Everyone is different, our consciousness is here to experience so, explore. Unless it’s something like a poisonous food or animal, heed the warning and tread with caution!
There’s a lot to this beautiful world on earth, and perception is key in this world because existence can be miserable. But you can mitigate that by living with purpose, by living with intention. By choosing to live the life you consider worthy enough to exist in misery.
I believe a part of that misery stems from our lost connection to our animal side. Our side attached to the wild. Our side that wants to live in the present moment. Society has made us focus more on the future and past than the present moment.
Where are you currently? Reading the contents of this story, or thinking about what you’re going to do once you’re done reading it?
[Disclaimer: I am by no means a doctor or psychologist, all this is derived from my personal experience and by no means is professional advice.]
